I am angry..

The weather is beautiful and with drizzling I felt like I was on cloud nine. I am in a auto going to get my bike back then it happened. The auto wallah started arguing that I gave him wrong address and he stopped some half a kilometer ahead of the destination then I I have deducted twenty from promised one twenty rupees and gave him hundred.

Then he said he won’t accept it and started making a big issue and shouting all derogatory words. And eventually hold my collar and pulled. My surge of anger is known to only few and they still fear it. My grand ma used to say that control your anger and don’t do anything as with my personality I may kill the person.

If he might have asked more politely I might have given more but that was unfair. I hold my tongue saying anything because I wanted to make a difference between a civilized person and an uncivilized guy. Then he almost spitted on me twice. My anger reached such a peak that at least I might have called police but my senses stopped working.

With a outburst of anger I just walked while the guy still shouting all I am left with me was anger and it subsided after thirty minutes.

Now I was thinking what made me stop to react there. Is that my sanity? Or Is that my jane do attitude? Or did I fear about my status in public whom I don’t even know? or did I think that I won’t be able to tackle a guy as I think I am weak? Or Is that I don’t give a damn about such an insect? Or Is that fear that auto wallah’s have big gangs to come and beat me as they know my place? Or I usually don’t care about winning an argument with people of no use was that the reason?

But after waking up also when I remember him handling me rough my blood boils. I know he waits here only near my house at the stand. I am feeling like going and complaining on him to police at the junction or I can hit him properly. But I am not doing that. I don’t have an answer if you ask why?

I need an apology or a proper reason for his behavior yesterday. I made my temper to go calm thinking that he is in some turbulence or frustration. But, I ain’t a saint to understand that I am still suffering from anger. To err is human and if to forgive is divine is true then how can I forgive without being asked for an apology. I stepped aside and took a passive part in the argument even when he went on giving bad words. Why didn’t I hit him… why why whyw whyw.. being normal doesn’t make me anything but turbulence. I am holding my fort tight to stop over flowing of anger on any other person. I am suffering..

Is this the system that made me react like that? Am I being programmed from my childhood to fear rather than to go ahead and take a proper action? When I am in anger no sense of mine works so I usually run away from that state or the situation. But this is still burning inside. What should I do?

I am still anger……….i don’t know what I am looking for by writing this either sympathy or concern or a proper suggestion I still don’t know… I feel like I a dust speck, more fragile.