Now i knw wat to do?

Now I understood that why am I watching all the movies on the first day first releases.

Then suddenly it dawned to me that I was in search of solace which I never found after my break up. And was searching for some kind of answer or justification, which can provide me an answer and that may help me to move on. And it is evident that movies always have happy endings and you will never find an answer there. All I end up is more wounded as every movie had a happy ending even the more realistic ones.

And my guess always used to be the best as hero wins in the end by winning hearts or dies by winning hearts. Now I am in a state of awful regret of why I didn’t take that extra step. Even if it wouldn’t have worked I must have given a try. Why I didn’t try??? And now being socialized online I am always haunted or found easily by the people who were supposed to stay far.

Being wounded I am in need of a shrine, which I am yet to find. That makes me desperate and now finding shrines in every other person and knowing that it is not the one I am confused and lost. God all I need is a light. Provide me and show me the path.

And I suddenly came to know that the last eighteen months I wasted which is costing me a lot. I am aged and girls and boys being 4/5 ratio it is tuff to find a lonely one outside. Even if I find she is not spreading the magic needed. What am I now desperate bachelor now going home and asking for an arranged marriage.

Where chances are too bad, as one have to please aunty, uncle and relatives rather than daughter. Everybody checks your pay check and BMI. So they can have better off springs. Is that all we are living for. Is that the only thing we worry for? Why can’t people believe on others? Is believing tuff or the fear of unable to handle when belief is broken is avoiding people to believe.

Now I am at the cross roads where I took a decision to stop watching movies on first days. Hope I may stick to it.

Break up letters-II

Hello Lady,

How are you? I know you are doing well. Your name doesn’t ring much in my mind like the first person on the list. And you are the last one. The very big name of yours was always difficult for me to say and I didn’t find anything small to use as your nick name. Usually you use to be stubborn on your nick names. So, I am grateful that I don’t have to get another child to name after you. :P

Hmmmmmm……… what should I write for you? I have decided to tell you how I felt rather than that I can say that it took me a whole year and few kilos to forget you. Actually I knowing that you are inclined into me I didn’t take the step soon which left me being heavy at heart and body.

When I found you I was actually looking for a companion to lean on, and I still remember that those very long chats, thanks to gtalk and prolonged initial conversations on phone which were purely practical. I have to admit that I found you not so much interesting, but, I found that I can rely on you and you can be the one who can help me go through lot of things with ease.

I do miss your attitude of making things easy for me. I do appreciate your generousness and humanitarian nature. I always had the urge to propose to you on the very day you donated blood. But, I kept that urge to myself. Because, I knew it was the great step in one’s life to choose the one as companion. This kept me holding my desire to express. Actually what kept me on hold is the doubt of failure. It was scary and that led me to be choosy.

Sometimes some people are so cool and good that anybody and everybody can fall in love with them. And you are such a person. Your whole family is lucky. And again this time rather than coming straight into your gully and lighting candles for you at midnight to say I love you I called. :P and is again a dumb act but I had no choice left as time was running out.

I might have pursued you or gave hope or belief to come with me If I came in person.. But, that was too late as you got engaged. I was angry, devastated, and crushed and as I came to your city and without you it was more lonely even with my best friends around me I felt alone. Then I understood why people prefer suicide when their loved ones die.

What else can I write? You are a wonderful person. I did like you. If we stayed together I might have fallen in love with you. What made me get crushed is I wove all my life, almost every part of my life around you. You were there always and I just didn’t notice. When you suddenly pulled out I had nothing but a void and all strings of my life dangling in an empty space. I didn’t do anything hasty to fall in love again to avoid total crumble down.

I did crumble down and learnt more. You are such a good feeling. I am not missing that now any more. Yupp, I am happy at least now that I have discovered the good feeling because of you stayed with in me. And I was too busy to blame or carve for some support recognizing it. You are a great passing cloud. The rain you brought on me is working.

Don’t forget, I will for sure make your kids run around my kids. And then we can discuss dowry too :P

Regards,

Me…..

P.S: I like you.

Break up letters-I

Hi _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _,

I never thought I will write to you like this. And I never had an idea too… Today whenever I am suffering from lot of emotional imbalance the only name I still remember is yours. You are special in my life. And you will be forever. But, being you special didn’t help you to name my children after you, whom I will be having eventually.

Now, I don’t even remember the face of you exactly. But, when your name still rings in my mind the smile on your face I still remember and also the expression of innocence on your face. When you wrote the reply to my proposal which I made through my e-mail, which is the dumbest act as per my best friend, and it is dumb too…. As I never seen what you felt. I was more concerned of my feelings for you rather than yours to mine.

I grew insecure to write that e-mail after seeing everybody getting paired up. And you being the first one, for me to love or assume to be more than a friend needed for life or infatuation. It is not your problem and it is not at least your duty to fulfill the expectations. I do hat’s off to you as you did correct and lived up to it.

I joined the tuitions, which I never needed, to see you early in the morning at six when you used to go tuition but not the same. I did laugh to the dumb jokes your dad made. I did mail you with intentions of love, not as a friend.

I wept when you rejected. But, after a week, when ever I used to read your mail, I used to burst into laughs. Because of those red lines in the last telling that, “If I ever try to see you or meet you again you don’t know what your dad will do?” I still don’t know what your dad will do??? Who pours kerosene to run his chetak. No offense.

I am not asking you back, I am not asking you to regret [which you won’t], I just felt that this letter should be written. And you said all those famous dialogues from movies of those days. Like: “I always thought you as great friend; You took advantage and wrongly interpreted the signals by me;” and I am happy to say that you never told me that I was like your brother. Lucky me.

Have a great life and I did learn a lesson…. You are special…. There is no need for you to take this on any more.

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Regards,

Me….